South Park becomes obsessed with Jared, the guy who lost a lot of weight eating at Subway restaurants, and they are shocked to learn he had help from aides. Of course, they think he meant AIDS and they are furious with him. Meanwhile, the boys fatten up Butters so he can lose weight eating Chinese food, just like Jared did with Subway.

The Stotch family invites the Marsh and Broflovski families, plus Cartman, to Aspen with them for a free trip. All the parents must do is attend a time-share presentation, but they find themselves trapped in presentation hell. The boys go out on the bunny slope for lessons, where Stan is harassed by the local ski bully.

The boys watch a daytime talk show featuring disfigured people. They notice that the guests on the show are given prizes, so they disguise Butters as a disfigured person so they can get prizes too. Cartman also goes on the show, as a troubled child.

The boys take a field trip to a local cattle farm and learn where veal comes from. They are horrified at how the baby cows are treated, so they steal them and hide them in Stan's room. As the boys wage their protest, they are treated as terrorists and a negotiator is brought in. Soon, Stan refuses to eat any meat, and he develops a very mysterious illness.

The boys are running from house to house trying to find an available TV to watch the new Terrence and Phillip movie trailer. Unfortunately, they also have to sit through the Russell Crowe Show, buy tampons for Shelley, and hang out with old people. Meanwhile, Chef's TV is going crazy.

Butters is fired as Kenny's replacement, and the boys hold auditions in the style of The Bachelor for the new fourth friend. Butters, feeling rejected by the group, decides to become an evil super-villain, and tries to wreak havoc wherever he goes.

Butters, in his alter-ego as Professor Chaos, develops an evil scheme to block out the sun, but finds out that The Simpsons already did it. Every evil plan he comes up with was already used on The Simpsons, driving him to insanity. Meanwhile, Cartman orders some sea people to nurture his dreams of a different reality, but he is disappointed when he finds out what they really are. When he mixes his sea people with another ingredient, a very unusual thing happens.

A retreat is being held for Catholic children, but the parents, concerned about priests molesting their children, won't let them go. The parents decide to abandon their religion and become Atheists. Meanwhile, Cartman thinks that if you eat from your butt, you will crap out your mouth, and puts his theory to the test.

The boys are upset that movie producers are re-editing their favorite films. They form a group dedicated to fight this injustice, promising free hats to whoever attends the first meeting. However, the people who show up for the meeting are there for a different cause, so the two groups decide to help each other out. The boys try to convince George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to leave Raiders of the Lost Ark alone.

The children finally return to school for the first time after Ms. Choksondik's tragic death. Bebe has begun to develop physically since the last time they've seen her, and the boys make fools of themselves over her, without really understanding why. This makes Wendy jealous, so she sets out to do something about it.

Tweek's parents become concerned about child abduction, and though they try to teach him how to be safe, they're afraid they have failed. Other parents become concerned as well, and soon the whole town is taking drastic measures to prevent child abduction, even going so far as to erect a wall around the town of South Park.

The boys win a candy shopping spree, but since Kenny actually had the winning ticket, they go to visit his remains to try and find it. Not finding the ticket there, the boys try to build a ladder to heaven in order to see Kenny. The government sees the potential to exploit this, and quickly gets involved. Meanwhile, Cartman begins seeing things through Kenny's eyes.

Randy and Sharon give the boys a videotape of Lord of the Rings to take over to Butters, but the tape was accidentally switched with a porno movie, and Butters watches it. The parents send the boys to get the dirty tape back, but everyone seems to want it, including Butters and a group of sixth graders. The boys then undertake an epic quest to return the movie to the video store.

Mr. Garrison tries to get fired from teaching fourth grade with the help of his new assistant, Mr. Slave. Mr. Garrison pushes the boundaries of tolerance as far as he can, by inserting a gerbil into Mr. Slave's ass, right in front of the children. Meanwhile when the boys say their teacher is acting really gay in class, their parents send them to Tolerance Camp.

Cartman's body cannot contain Kenny's soul much longer, so Chef and the boys looks for ways to remove Kenny's presence. They go to New York to see a medium, but discover he's a fake - only Kyle believes in him. Stan sets out to prove that the medium is the Biggest Douche in the Universe. Meanwhile, Chef takes Cartman to Scotland and visits his parents, who try to free Cartman of Kenny's soul.

Stan's future self appears, and Stan is mortified to learn that in the future, he's a total loser. When he sees that Butters also met a future self, he becomes suspicious. When Stan feels the need for revenge on those who fooled him, Cartman comes up with a shocking plan.

Cartman wants a particular toy this Christmas, but he knows he won't get it because he's been too naughty. He realizes he's going to have to do something extra special to get on the good list, so he creates a plan to bring Christmas to Iraq. With the help of Mr. Hankey, Santa agrees to visit Iraq, but his sleigh is shot down. It's up to Jesus Christ to save Santa Claus.