When a dirty word is used on television, everyone begins to say it, and soon people become deathly ill. Chef and the boys find a link between the two events and, with the help of ancient knights, try to stop networks from broadcasting the word on TV.

Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Timmy, and Butters join the scouts, and their troop leader is Big Gay Al. At a scout meeting the boys get to know Jimmy, a boy with physical disabilities and a stutter. Timmy is jealous of Jimmy, and they get in a fight. Meanwhile, the community worries about having a gay scout leader, and fires Big Gay Al.

The boys see magician David Blaine perform, then attend his workshop and camp, and basically join a cult in which Blaine is the leader. Stan is the only one who isn't enchanted by Blaine. Stan asks Jesus for help in showing his friends the truth, and Jesus calls The Super Best Friends for more support.

Scott Tenorman tricks Cartman into buying his pubes, and Cartman is furious at being deceived. Time after time Scott outsmarts him, until finally Cartman cooks up the ultimate plan for revenge.

The boys are supposed to participate in an Earth Day Brain Washing Festival, but instead go to see a live-action Terrance and Phillip show under the guise of asking them to perform at the Earth Day event. When they get there, Terrance looks terrible and Phillip is an impostor. The boys have to get Terrance and Phillip back together, but it will not be an easy task.

Cartman inherits a large sum of money from his grandmother and uses it to buy an amusement park. He doesn't allow anyone else into the park, because he doesn't want to wait in line for the rides. Meanwhile, Kyle questions God's purpose in bestowing such good fortune upon a person as selfish as Cartman.

Fifth graders teach Cartman how to milk a dog, and when Stan tries it in front of his parents, they assume it means kids aren't learning proper sex education in school. Mr. Mackey teaches the boys, while Ms. Choksondik teaches the girls, but because the two instructors are so clueless, the kids become terrified of sex. Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik find themselves attracted to each other.

Stan's mom buys the boys a new video game system and they are looking forward to playing it all weekend. When Kyle mentions he can't hang out with them because he'll be swimming with his family, a talking towel named Towelie appears. All Towelie wants to do is give towel advice and get high. Soon the government gets involved, and seems very interested in Towelie.

Ms. Choksondik has her each of her students send a dollar to children in Afghanistan. Soon, Stan receives a goat in return. Deciding to take the goat back, the boys find themselves aboard a ship to Afghanistan, where they are taken hostage. It's up to the children of Afghanistan to save them.

Kenny plays a practical joke during school photo day, and Cartman takes it a step further. The joke causes a couple from Wisconsin to arrive in South Park, looking for their long lost son. Cartman sees something which causes him to laugh so hard that he actually loses his sense of humor.

Kyle's annoying cousin (who is also named Kyle) comes to visit, and Kyle is concerned that Cartman will make fun of his cousin's very stereotypical Jewish traits. Meanwhile, Mr. Garrison becomes enraged at the airlines, so he invents a new and unusual method of transportation.

The other students tease Token because his family is wealthy. Feeling out of place, he convinces several rich celebrities to move to South Park. Even while playing with his new rich friends, he still feels out of place, so he moves into the lion den at the zoo. The South Park residents are uncomfortable with all the new wealthy celebrities, and try to drive them out of town.

Kenny develops a terminal illness and is incredibly sick. All the boys react differently to this - Kyle stays by Kenny's bedside, Stan avoids seeing him because he doesn't want to see him suffer, and Cartman seeks a cure using stem cells. When a truckload of aborted fetuses falls into Cartman's possession, he lobbies Congress to make it legal to use them for research.

Butters wants his parents to have a nice wedding anniversary, which is coming up in a few days. His mom asks him to spy on his father to find out what he's getting her for an anniversary gift, but Butters discovers that his dad goes to some very disturbing places. His mom is shocked, and decides to take drastic measures to make things right again.